relationships

Can A Godly Person Have Boundaries?

Boundaries indicate limits. They are the fence around you that keeps good things in and bad things out.  

I have a chain link fence in my backyard. We paid good money to have it built because we had small kids who we wanted to keep safe. We also wanted to keep the neighbor’s large dogs from walking right up to our back door and trying to come inside our house.

 Boundaries are not:  

1.     An excuse to be selfish or rude.

2.     A way to turn you into me.

3.     A way to control other people.

Making demands is a form of control. You cannot demand of someone and show honor to them at the same time.

 
what-does-jesus-say-about-boundaries
 

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Phil. 2:3-4)                             

Healthy boundaries are:

1.     A way to be healthy in order to love God and others well.

2.     A way to protect other people from you.

3.     A tool to give you power to control yourself.

You do not get to control other people. You are the only person you can control.

You are only responsible for the things in your own yard. The kinds of things that are in your yard are YOUR:

  • Feelings

  • Attitudes

  • Beliefs

  • Behaviors

  • Actions

  • Choices

  • Thoughts

  • Values

  • Limits

  • Talents

  • Strengths

  • Desires

  • Passions

  • Love

You are not responsible for these in other people. You only get to control YOU.

It is not your job to keep everyone around you happy. You cannot afford to work harder on other people’s lives than they are willing to.

Boundaries are all about self-control. They are about having a plan so that you can be who you need to be, to accomplish the call God has on your life.

 An example of a good boundary with time is:

Don’t let other people push you to make a quick decision. Take the time you need to think things through. Tell the person you will get back to them, then be sure to show them honor by following through.

An example of a boundary with your words is:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. (Phil 2:14-15)

You get to choose what comes out of your own mouth. You do not get to pick what other people say. Let your words create life.

An example of boundaries with your attitude is:

If you're grumpy, send yourself to your room, go for a drive, or take a walk. You need to protect other people from you. This is a great way to preserve a peaceful atmosphere in your family. You can just tell your family that you need a time out.

Here is a clear boundary for your thought life:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Phil 4:8)  

 
i-need-help-with-my-relationship.jpg
 

What can you do when someone hurts you? Matthew 18 lays out the solution very clearly.

1.     If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

2.     But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

3.      If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

When you go to talk to the person who has offended you, your motive needs to be to restore unity, not to pick at the other person or try to make them be just like you.

Always assume the best about the other person. Say something like, “I am probably missing something, but I feel like (insert the feeling and specific incident). Can you help me understand the situation better?”

If you do not feel that the situation is resolved, pull in an impartial, mature mediator to help you.

If you still cannot get to a place of unity, you will want to bring the matter to your pastor or leader. 

Can a godly person have boundaries? Did Jesus have boundaries?

1.    Jesus often went away alone to pray even though the crowds were pressing in for His attention.

2.     He did not get off track with other people’s agendas for His life. He said that He only did what His Father was doing and saying.

3.     He said that He is the ONLY way to the Father. No one can get to the Father except through Him.

Key Idea: Ask Jesus to show you any boundaries you need to make or any walls you need to tear down.

Your Marriage Team

Thinking about getting married?

Here are some questions to ask yourself about the person you're considering:

1.     Do they love God more than they love you? As flattering as it may be to have someone adore you, it is vital that you not come first in their life. You do not want to be an idol. God will not bless idolatry.

2.      Do they have respectful, healthy relationships with their parents and siblings? The way they already do family relationships is what you can expect from them if you start a new family with them. Spend a lot of time with them and their family together so that you can get a good idea of what is in store for you.

3.     Do they have the same life mission as you? It will be very hard to accomplish your heart’s mission if you are tied to someone who is headed in a different direction than you are.

Already Married?

Once you are married, you have a lifetime to grow and strategize together in your life mission. Every family should take time to formulate their mission.

What does your family bring to the world to make it a better place?

If you find that you are not headed in the same direction as your spouse, bailing on them is not an option. You will need to find a new mission that you both can invest in.

God is completely committed to helping you have a bright future. He is so faithful to complete the work that He has started in you. It is hard to get off track when you have a sincere desire to follow Him.

He even takes your mistakes and weaves them into your destiny to make your story powerful. He redeems every messy situation to the core.

Think of a wall with a hole knocked into it. God doesn’t just slap some scotch tape and spray paint onto it. He does a thorough repair job to the point that the wall looks brand new. 

Destiny key: Don’t be overwhelmed by trying to figure out God’s will for your life. Submit yourself to God and your leaders, get into a place of peace and do what God is putting in your heart.

 

For I am confident of this very thing,

that He who began a good work in you

will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6


Check out my mom's message called A Marriage Behind Closed Doors. Warning: It contains mature content.

Do you desire a strong and healthy marriage? After over 41 years of marriage, Leanne shares from her heart the principles that have contributed to having the great marriage she has today. Through this inspiring message you will laugh, weep, and be intrigued by the truths and realities we all face in our marriages. Whether you're presently married, looking forward to marriage, or know someone who needs a marriage like this, you will not be disappointed by "A Marriage Behind Closed Doors!

Can a Godly Person Have Boundaries?

Boundaries indicate limits. They are the fence around you that keeps good things in and bad things out.  

I have a chain link fence in my backyard. We paid good money to have it built because we had small kids who we wanted to keep safe. We also wanted to keep the neighbor’s large dogs from walking right up to our back door and trying to come inside our house.

 Boundaries are not:  

1.     An excuse to be selfish or rude.

2.     A way to turn you into me.

3.     A way to control other people.

Making demands is a form of control. You cannot demand of someone and show honor to them at the same time.

bethblogmarriage3.png

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Phil. 2:3-4)                             

Healthy boundaries are:

1.     A way to be healthy in order to love God and others well.

2.     A way to protect other people from you.

3.     A tool to give you power to control yourself.

You do not get to control other people. You are the only person you can control.

You are only responsible for the things in your own yard. The kinds of things that are in your yard are YOUR:

  • Feelings
  • Attitudes
  • Beliefs
  • Behaviors
  • Actions
  • Choices
  • Thoughts
  • Values
  • Limits
  • Talents
  • Strengths
  • Desires
  • Passions
  • Love

You are not responsible for these in other people. You only get to control YOU.

It is not your job to keep everyone around you happy. You cannot afford to work harder on other people’s lives than they are willing to.

Boundaries are all about self-control. They are about having a plan so that you can be who you need to be, to accomplish the call God has on your life.

 An example of a good boundary with time is:

Don’t let other people push you to make a quick decision. Take the time you need to think things through. Tell the person you will get back to them, then be sure to show them honor by following through.

An example of a boundary with your words is:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe. (Phil 2:14-15)

You get to choose what comes out of your own mouth. You do not get to pick what other people say. Let your words create life.

An example of boundaries with your attitude is:

If you're grumpy, send yourself to your room, go for a drive, or take a walk. You need to protect other people from you. This is a great way to preserve a peaceful atmosphere in your family. You can just tell your family that you need a time out.

Here is a clear boundary for your thought life:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Phil 4:8)  

What can you do when someone hurts you? Matthew 18 lays out the solution very clearly.

1.     If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.

2.     But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

3.      If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

When you go to talk to the person who has offended you, your motive needs to be to restore unity, not to pick at the other person or try to make them be just like you.

Always assume the best about the other person. Say something like, “I am probably missing something, but I feel like (insert the feeling and specific incident). Can you help me understand the situation better?”

If you do not feel that the situation is resolved, pull in an impartial, mature mediator to help you.

If you still cannot get to a place of unity, you will want to bring the matter to your pastor or leader. 

Can a godly person have boundaries? Did Jesus have boundaries?

1.    Jesus often went away alone to pray even though the crowds were pressing in for His attention.

2.     He did not get off track with other people’s agendas for His life. He said that He only did what His Father was doing and saying.

3.     He said that He is the ONLY way to the Father. No one can get to the Father except through Him.

Key Idea: Ask Jesus to show you any boundaries you need to make or any walls you need to tear down.

 

Do You Think It's Ever Ok To Judge?

When you hear the phrase, "You are different than everyone else," what tone do you hear it in? Is it a positive thing or a negative one?

If you hear it from the loving voice of your Father, you will be strengthened to stand firm in your arena.

If you hear it through the lens of your own insecurities, you will be tempted to agree with the accuser and back off from taking your place in the world. Don't let your internal disqualifications hold you back.

Have you ever heard anyone say that comparison is bad?

Look at these two glasses. One is a mug, and the other a glass....obviously. Oops! We just compared them!

mug-glass.jpg

Did our comparing them make one of them better or more valuable than the other? Of course not. They were each made for a different purpose. If you are craving a cup of coffee you will want the mug, but if iced tea is your heart's desire you will go for the glass.

If we never compare ourselves to each other, how will we recognize and honor the unique gift mix that each person carries?

I would like to propose the idea that comparison is not bad at all. Where we get into trouble is when we turn our comparison into unrighteous judgement.

  • When we judge other people's weaknesses against our strengths we side with the accuser and fall into pride.
  • When we judge our weaknesses against other people's strengths we also side with the accuser and fall into condemnation and insecurity.

People talk about not judging, the fact is we judge all the time. Judging in and of itself isn’t bad. People don’t get upset when you judge them positively. It’s when you confront their sin that they get tend to say, "Don't judge me!"

How can you compare without judging ?

  • Believe the best.
  • Recognize the need for diversity in the body of Christ
  • Celebrate the fact that we all have different gifts, styles, and anointings
  • Remember that every position has value and importance

The word diversity has come to mean a lot of things in our culture today. Sadly people use it to affirm sinful lifestyles, but God really is a God of diversity. He doesn’t approve of sin, but He is the author of different personalities and gift mixes.

We are all different, and that's a good thing. God is not looking for clones.

For the body is not one member, but many. If the foot says, “Because I am not a hand, I am not a part of the body,” it is not for this reason any the less a part of the body? 1 Cor 12:14-15

Which part of the body are YOU?

This post was co-written with my husband, Christopher Olson. An audio version is now available.

Don't Spew On the Ones You Love

I bet that if you had a stomach virus, you would never intentionally walk up to your loved ones and puke in their faces. Gross! Who would ever do that to anyone, much less than to the people who really matter to them.

Reasonable people try to stay away from others when they're sick. They do it out of mercy and kindness. They stay away until they are well, and no longer contagious. If the sickness doesn't seem to be passing, they get to a doctor to do their best to resolve the situation. Being sick is no fun for the one who is sick or for the rest of the family.

Why is it that we let emotional issues go unsorted for years and years? When the emotional pain buttons in our lives get pushed, the fallout hurts the people around us at least as much it hurts us.

You know the secret areas of pain that you keep hidden and hope that no one ever finds out about? I have news for you, people may not know the specifics, but they certainly feel the painful symptoms.

If you aren't willing to get healthy for your sake, at least do the hard work of getting yourself sorted out for the sake of the people you love. You really don't want people around you to feel like they have to spend their whole lives walking on eggshells.

Don't delay. Get the help you need. Make an appointment with a counselor or reach out to get with a mature, trusted mentor.

Action point: I recommend you follow Danny Silk - Loving on Purpose

If you don't deal with your issues, everyone around you will have to.


Get a copy  here

Get a copy here

Need a Little Peace?

I don't know about you, but I've had to fight for peace lately. I have had a lot of irons in the fire, and some unexpected hiccups.

Peace is not the absence of a fight, it is something we can access intentionally even in the midst of pressure and struggle.

I have two new videos for you today. They are very short (I respect your time). Please check them out and have a great day!

Is Someone Undermining Your Influence?

I am concerned that a lot of influencers lose their platform of trust by not following through on their promises. It's kind of like shooting yourself in the foot when you don't mean what you say.

Can the people in your life really trust you? Do your spouse, kids, and friends believe you when you talk to them?

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Don't leave room for confusion. When you say something, mean it, and follow through.

Remember what the Centurion in Luke 7 said? It was amazing enough that it impressed Jesus!

For I also am a man placed under authority, with soldiers under me; and I say to this one, ‘Go!’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come!’ and he comes, and to my slave, ‘Do this!’ and he does it.” Luke 7:8

When the people under your care trust you, it makes it much easier for them to follow your instructions.

Sticking to your word means that you will need to take a moment to think before you speak. Don't let words and promises just fly out of your mouth, or your promises will be empty.

Empty words are a sure way to undermine your influence. Make a choice today to strengthen your influence by being a person of your word.

Find out more about my newly released book  here.

Find out more about my newly released book here.